Conversation Tips

• Have fun, be curious, and give your gift.
• Avoid judging people too much.
• Remember everyone can teach you something.
• Don’t take their actions or any rejection personally.
• Don’t fear pauses in the conversation.
• Visualize it going well.
• Thank you for sharing your gift!

Starting a conversation with a stranger can sometimes feel intimidating, but it could lead to a lifelong friendship or an unforgettable conversation or experience. Here are a few approaches to try:

• Start with “Hi my name is…” or “I don’t think we have met I am…”
• Ask for help or their opinion on something.
• Ask a mutual friend to introduce you.
• Start with a compliment and then ask a question about it.
• Start with a casual or funny observation.
• Comment on the weather.
• Remember to get their name and repeat it back at the beginng or end of the conversation.
  

• Make sure you are not too hungry, tired, or stressed to give them your full attention.
• Notice your energy level as the conversation unfolds and make sure you do not become irritable or distracted. Take a break if you need.
• If consuming alcohol or substances, regulate your consumption so as to maintain a pleasant and coherent demeanor.
  

It is helpful to recognize the needs of the person talking so you can best support them. Figuring out if they want to be heard,  helped, or hugged will benefit you both. If you are unsure you can ask them. If it is your turn to speak it is okay to let them know your needs. Here is how to approach each:

• Heard: the speaker wants to share information or ideas so practice active listening.
  
• Helped: the speaker is seeking input on solving a problem. Start with curious questions to see if they can uncover the answer for themselves. If you do share advice use phrases like “have you  considered maybe…” versus “you should” and do not be offended if they do not follow your suggestions.
  
• Hugged: the speaker is looking to you for emotional support, so practice empathetic listening and responses. Do not try to cheer them up right away and do not offer advice or problem solving unless it is requested.

To keep a conversation flowing ask open-ended questions that don’t have simple yes or no answers. Try to stay curious with an open mind and uncover the feelings behind what they are sharing. Start with easy questions and ease into deeper topics when they seem open to it.

• Ask ‘feeling’ questions like “what was that like?”
• Ask them “Tell me more about…” to get them to share more.
• Ask “what are your thoughts on…” to get them to reveal more.
  
• Make the questions relevant and interesting to them.
• Refrain from starting with ‘why’ or ‘you’ as it can sound judgmental.
• Maybe start with  something revealing about yourself, then a question such as “I have always wanted to write a book, do you have any bucket list items?”

Light Questions:

• Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
• Would you like to be famous? In what way?
• Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
• What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
• When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
• For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
• If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
• If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Deeper Questions

• If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
• Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
• What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
• What do you value most in a friendship?
• What is your most treasured memory?
• What is your most terrible memory?
• If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
• What does friendship mean to you?
• What roles do love and affection play in your life?
• How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s
• How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Actively listening is one of the most important communication skills you can use. If done well it increases trust and bonding. Here are some tips:

• Give the speaker your full attention.
• Avoid judgment and show empathy.
• Try to put yourself in their shoes.
• Validate their feelings when you agree.
• Avoid ‘topping’ while they are sharing by telling them you did the same or similar thing.
• Avoid distractions with your phone or thinking of other things while they are talking.
• Avoid interrupting and give a pause after they finish and before you start talking to make sure they are finished.
• Be quick to let them continue if you start talking before they were finished with a phrase like ” no, go ahead.”

After you have asked some good questions and practiced active listening they will likely ask you some questions. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• Be concise in your responses or stories.
• Regulate your style so if you are a rambler hold back some, and if you are shy try to talk a little more.
  
• Don’t be afraid to show some vulnerability in what you are sharing. 
• Use us/we/are when referring to you both to increase closeness.
• Avoid ‘but’ as it negates what was said prior and  instead say “yes, and” instead.
• End your sharing with a question for them.

Humor is a powerful social skill that can increase bonding and relieve stress. It is not appropriate in all situations but worth the effort to experiment and add as a skill. Some ideas:

• Share funny or embarrassing stories from your past.
• Have a few ‘Dad Jokes’ to share and ask if they have some.
• Finish their sentence with an absurd scenario.
• Use friendly teasing or flirting where appropriate.
• Pay attention to their response and adjust accordingly.

Stories are a key way that we learn and they often help us feel closer to each other:

• Start a funny story with a pre-story laugh or chuckle.
  
• Use expansive gestures to act out your characters.
  
• Use a one-line hook such as “this is my favorite fishing story…”
• Start with a pre-story opener like: “I’ll never forget the time when…”

Ending a conversation gracefully is always a good idea. Here are some ways to do it.

• Mention the end time before the conversation starts if you have to go.
• End on your turn: “Hey, It’s been great talking with you.””How about we do some more mingling.”
  
• Start packing up during the conversation to give the hint.
• Start nodding a little quicker  to give the hint.
•  Say “I need to go in a minute, but tell me about…” so as not to feel an abrupt ending.

After the conversation make sure to remember their name and any important topics or events you discussed. You can also add these notes to the persons’ contact info on your phone. Make a point to follow up with friends regularly especially if they are going through a difficult time. Consider sending a fun meme or article about something they are interested in, or setting a date to meet in person or talk on the phone. These efforts can be very meaningful to the other person.